life, thoughts

Find Someone Else

If you knew someone who lost their spouse just a few weeks ago, would you say, “I know it’s hard, but there are other men/women out there looking for love. Get on eharmony and find one who needs you?”

Of course you wouldn’t. You’d know that the relationship needs to be grieved first. No matter how long it takes.

Not only that, but there are a lot of years devoted to a relationship. To get involved with another relationship takes a lot of effort. I don’t mean work-effort, but being vulnerable, and allowing the other person to be vulnerable as well. Sharing new experiences, learning how each acts and reacts to experiences, and learning to trust each other. Finally, coming to love each other unconditionally, warts and all.

It may seem weird to compare a spousal relationship to that between a human and their pet, but follow me here. It will make sense.

While I’ve been grieving over losing my boy, Max, I’ve come across some who have told me to go to the pound and give my heart to another who needs a home. To me, that’s like telling me to go pick another human best friend or spouse who needs love.Max was already three years old when we adopted him. He had a halfway decent home before he came to us. I wrote in his tribute how we had a difficult time bonding in the beginning. I think it was because he was waiting for his other people to come get him, and I was afraid of being vulnerable to loving a pet again. In other words, both of us were unsure about being vulnerable and trusting one another. Isn’t that what happens at the beginning of many relationships?

We raised our first guy, Piezon (Paesano in Italian), from puppyhood, and that relationship went deep as well. You see, Piezon is the one that taught me how to train a dog. I learned that dogs need consistency and regimens. I also discovered for the first time at age thirty-five, that a dog was a perfect pet for me, because I needed the same.

Once these dogs discovered I didn’t waver, that they couldn’t bamboozle me, they loved it about me. They could trust that I wouldn’t bamboozle them either. I meant what I said, said what I meant, and followed through. The trust, devotion and purity of love went infinitely deep.

Some people may be able to find solace in a new pet right away. But as you can see, for me, it took time for a relationship to build with Max. The same will happen with another, and I just don’t have that in me right now with the grief weighing me down. Isn’t that the fair thing to do for a pet, too?

I have a Part Two to this topic, where it takes a slightly different turn. Hope you’ll come back next week to check it out.


20 thoughts on “Find Someone Else”

    1. Thanks, Abbi. Some people can get a new pet right away, I’m just not one of them. We never forget their influence on our lives no matter how long it’s been. 💗


  1. As others have said, people may mean well but it is not what needs to be said in the moment. The last thing a grieving pet parent needs to feel is guilt on top of grief when they are lectured about all of the pets needing homes in shelters.

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    1. That’s such a good point about guilt, Joy. Thank you for sharing it. Guilt is not something a grieving person should have laid on them. It can only compound their loss.

      Have a nice weekend.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Aw, Lori… I’m so very sorry about Max. Even though my allergies make me a cat person (okay– so it’s my temperament too), I’ve had dogs that I loved. This might make me a terrible person, but it hurts me much worse to hear of the loss of a pet (fur baby, whatever word you use) than of a human. I just fall apart. I’m grieving over cats who died years and years later. Sending healing hugs to your heart. ❤

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  3. Lori, some people can be unthinking, uncaring, not even realising how painful it is to you to hear their suggestion. I hope they are not being heartless but do wonder why people even think this would be a good idea, why they can’t offer comfort without advice. You know yourself best and it may never be right for you to have another pet, only you will know with time. As for losing spouses, I have known friends who have lost their partner and soon after others suggested they go dating, set them up on dates. I was gobsmacked and furious!

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    1. Hi Annika. You’re the second person who commented about someone who lost their partner being told to start dating. I’m shocked that people would actually say such a thing. I was just using it as an absurd example, not realizing anyone would have resorted to the absurd.

      Thank you for understanding about a new pet. I’m grateful for your kinds words and support. 💗

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Sadly, I’ve heard well-meaning people give that advice, because they can’t stand to see others in grief. (Actually heard that said to a recent widow.)
    Max cannot be replaced. Period.
    Some dear friends had a dog who was like my dog. When Willie (a border collie/Kelpie) passed away, I couldn’t even look at a photo of him. It hurt so much. It hurt going to their house and not seeing him or playing with him. He can never be replaced in our hearts.

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    1. Holy Cow. I was using that widow story as an analogy, not for real. How crazy that someone would actually say that.

      I know what you mean about walking in your friend’s door and not seeing Willie. Over the weekend, my mom just came into our house for the first time without Max, and we both started crying. She misses him, too.

      Thank you for the supportive words, L. Hope you are doing okay.


  5. Everyone has their own timeline and good friends respect that. BTW a dear friend tried about 4 months after her husband died (she was so lonely). It didn’t work. She met some nice guys but she wasn’t ready. Everyone was compared to her husband and that doesn’t work. Grief takes time. Hugs.

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    1. I can only imagine how lonely your friend was, Kate. It’s lonely enough without my boy, Max, let alone a husband. I feel for her. But, thank you for making my point. We took in a foster dog for a rescue group 3 months after our first dog, Piezon died. I figured it would be a barometer on whether we were ready. We weren’t. I kept comparing her to Piezon. I got her healthy and trained, then found her a wonderful forever home with a little boy. She was perfect for their family.

      Thank you for sharing this.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I couldn’t agree more. Some people might think it’s silly, but my relationships with my dogs were extremely important and I wasn’t into “replacing” them. Our Rudy passed away four years ago. We will be getting another dog, and I’m beginning to think about it now (part of the reason we have waited is because of all the travel, but I also wasn’t ready). You will be ready when you’re ready.

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    1. The reasons you’ve stated for waiting are the same for us. Believe it or not, it takes time to bond and build a new relationship with a pet. They need to get to know us and we them. We’d also like to travel at some point, and that will hinder us, too.

      Thank you for sharing, Lynette. I hope you’ll share when you bring a new one home.

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