I wish this was going to be one of my quippy posts, but no. I have a serious, personal confession to make, and I’m a bit embarrassed by it. I thought I’d throw it out there. Maybe it’ll help someone else suffering from the same thing to not feel so alone.
I’ve read many blogs where people share their struggles with depression. I don’t have an issue with depression, unless of course, I’m grieving a loss. Then it can take me some time. I wrote about how I dealt with grieving the loss of becoming a mother before. I learned so much from the process of grief and am grateful for it today.
So, depression is not what I’m dealing with now. My confession….is that right now….I’m dealing with anxiety. For the last few weeks, I’ve been in a perpetual state of anxiety and cannot shake myself from the spiral. I’ve tried every which way I know how to calm the nervousness, but it won’t go away (Yes, I meditate. Yes, I pray. Yes, I use positive affirmations). I’m both embarrassed and mad at myself for not being able to calm the fray.
To be fair, my fear is not for nothing. I have my first neurologist appointment this week to discuss some serious health symptoms I’m having. They are disruptive at times … meaning, some days I have difficulty going about regular activities. I’d rather not go into detail about the symptoms.
I do have one bit of advice from this … do NOT search for your symptoms on the internet. After I did, my anxiety shot sky high and has not come down since.
I fear the answers, yet I need the answers. It’s a vicious cycle. Not knowing, but fearing knowing. Perhaps this will all turn out to be nothing and my anxiety was all for naught. Then, I can be even more embarrassed for creating such an anxious state in and around me.
Funny thing, I had a couple of brief anxious times when my husband went through his accident and recovery, but nothing that lasted. Not like now. I was too busy taking care of everything to think about it.
I do battle with anxiety on occasion, and I’m told that in part, it’s due to wanting to be in control. In other words, I’m a control freak. I practice my spirituality with letting go, but I must not really be letting go if I remain so anxious. Sometimes I think if I lived near my family and friends for support, it would help. Maybe not. I don’t know.
So, there you have it, my confession. May all of us living with anxiety, find lasting calm.
Have you ever felt driven to find an answer but feared the answer at the same time? Is anxiety something you’ve ever dealt with? If not, would you care to share your own experience with a strong emotion?